This President’s Day, I realized that we have become a nation of criminals. Maybe I’m going too far, there. Allow me to withdraw that accusation and instead say that every one of us plays fast and loose with truth, laws, and rules. We have failed our individual cherry tree tests in so many ways. Most of them are small ways, hardly illegal, and probably go unnoticed. But we have become a nation that cannot be honest with itself.
Maybe that’s why we rolled the birthdays of two great Presidents into one anonymous holiday that has become synonymous with “our lowest prices of the year” (until Memorial Day). Honor and Courage have been cheapened. One of these men was the only President to lead us in a war for our own nation’s independence. The other one was the only President to lead us in a war for our own peoples’ freedom. I wouldn’t mind if they were eclipsed by a holiday that celebrated love, but what we have is a day that has become focused on our need to prove love and prove we are loved. Creating insecurity is a great sales tactic, but it forces people to say and do things they might not otherwise say or do.
I’m making these broad statements based on a series of small, seemingly inconsequential, facts. As long as I’m accusing all of us of at least a little dishonesty, I will add that this may be something afflicting all mankind – but for now, I will limit my indictment to the culture and nation I know best.
Tear yourself away for a few moments from the story of the late Ms. A. N. Smith, whose baby has so many men claiming paternity that she might be called “Mother of her Country.” I wonder how many of them would be so honorable if there wasn’t a trust fund involved. If you’re one of them, you can’t participate in the rest of this exercise.
If you can prove that you are not guilty of any of the infractions below, you may be the right person to be the next President of the United States. We need someone like you, now. I’d settle for another Gerald Ford. Unfortunately, I don’t think we’ll find anyone who can pass this test. I have a feeling George Washington couldn’t, if he were with us today.
Here is a short list of the awful facts in this case. You’re innocent until proven guilty. Everyone stand.
Those of you who have never driven over forty on one of our 35 mile per hour roads may remain in the room. The rest of you, get out. You have technically broken a law, whether you were caught doing it or not.
At this point, the people still in the room have never driven a car. So I’m going to give all you drivers another chance. You can come back into the room if you have always come to a complete stop at stop signs, have never run a red light, never cut into a long line of cars at the last minute as if you didn’t realize that was your exit, and never nodded when the dentist asked if you had been flossing regularly.
No one? All right, I’ll go easy on you. Everyone back in the room.
If you ever answered “Nothing” when asked about what you were thinking, please sit. If you can honestly say you meant it every time you said “Have a nice day,” you sit too. I don’t believe you.
Now that you’re all seated, if you’ve ever made up an excuse for being late or called in “sick,” raise your hand. Don’t worry, I understand. We’ve all done that at least once, haven’t we? Your boss doesn’t understand, though, so you’re all fired.
If you ever used “the check is in the mail” or written a check a couple of days after the date you put on the check, shame on you.
Just because we’re all guilty doesn’t make it right. It turns out we’re pretty bad at following directions, and much more flexible with the truth than we allow others to be.
Those of you who have actually read all the fine print of every document that required you to check a box acknowledging that you have read and understand those terms and conditions, raise your hands. I doubt more than one in five people actually even notice the length of the fine print in a car rental agreement, but they initial it anyway. This also includes anyone who has clicked the “I agree” button when installing any software or registering on a website.
You don’t get partial credit for scrolling through a long set of incomprehensible terms faster than you can read. Seeing is not the same as understanding, and you simply can’t agree to something you don’t understand without lying to yourself. Most software includes a statement that the maker is not liable if the software doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do.
You wouldn’t buy a set of tires if the warranty included something like “no warranty is made that the tires will meet your requirements or will work in combination with any automotive components provided by third parties, that the operation of the tires will be uninterrupted or error free, or that all defects in the tires will be corrected.” Yet that’s what you agree to every time you accept a software warranty.
If you ever stopped to consider what that meant, would you really feel good about clicking “I agree”? It’s not like you have much of a choice. If you don’t click that button, you can’t use the product. So you better just keep lying to yourself.
The point of all this isn’t to prove we’re all a bunch of liars, or to condone lying. There are lies and broken laws that are more serious than whether we all follow the instructions on shampoo bottles that tell us to lather, rinse, and repeat. Maybe if everyone realized how much we engage in this sort of behavior, we would learn to be more tolerant of it when we see it in others. We shouldn’t be so surprised and outraged when we catch someone in the act.
We should try to set better examples. Children learn from us more than we know, and how can we expect them to take us seriously when we tell them that if they lie, Santa Claus will find out?
Have a nice day.
(The author makes no warranty that your day will meet your requirements or will be uninterrupted or error free…)